How to help someone experiencing thoughts of suicide

When faced with painful life circumstances, one response people sometimes have is to think about suicide. In this article, we look at how you can help yourself or a loved one experiencing thoughts of suicide.

LEARN how to help

Forefront Suicide Prevention’s LEARN skills give you five steps to help someone experiencing thoughts of suicide. Each letter of LEARN stands for one of the steps — look, empathize, ask, reduce, and next steps.

Look for signs. Potential warning signs of suicide can be:

• Feelings of hopelessness, depression, anxiety, anger, humiliation, or loneliness.
• Feeling like you are a burden to those you care about.
• Withdrawing, isolating.
• Researching ways to die or making plans to die (such as giving away possessions/pets or making a will).
• Joking, threatening, or frequent statements about death.
• Significant life change or transition (such as a breakup or divorce, or losing a job).
• Negative responses to discrimination linked to sexual orientation, gender identity, and/or race/ethnicity.
• Increasing use of alcohol/drugs, reckless behavior.

Empathize and listen. To show empathy while you listen, Forefront recommends:

• Starting the conversation with something like “I’m concerned about you. You don’t seem like your usual self. What’s going on?”
• Try to see the world as they see it.
• Be non-judgmental.
• Validate and acknowledge their experiences and feelings.
• Communicate understanding back to them using their own words. Say, “I’m really sorry you’re going through this. Thank you for telling me.”
• Just listening! Avoid trying to ‘fix’ their problems or giving your opinions. Those who have struggled say this helped the most.

Ask directly about suicide. Directly and calmly ask, “Are you thinking about suicide?” or “Are you thinking about killing yourself?” Avoid unclear language, such as the phrase “hurting yourself.” Be prepared to hear “yes” in response. Be willing to allow silence and space during the conversation.

Forefront recommends the following formula for asking about suicide:

“Sometimes when people are _______, they’re thinking about suicide. Are you thinking about suicide?”

You can insert whatever warning signs you’ve noticed or that they’ve shared with you. This helps normalize their experiences and shows that you have been really listening to what they are going through.

Reduce the danger. If the person says “yes,” ask if they have a plan. This can help you understand what dangers might need to be removed or secured. Dangers can include firearms, medications, and other household items. For examples of reducing dangers, check out this Crosscut opinion article by suicide prevention experts.

Creating time and distance between the person and the danger can save a life. Talk with the person about options for removing or securing dangers. You can also identify trusted allies — such as spouses, parents, or roommates — during this step to help reduce the danger.

Next steps. Thoughts of suicide can be a reaction to pain, especially when alternatives seem limited or non-existent.

• For immediate help, call or text 988 to reach the national 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, or contact another crisis resource.
• The EAP can help guide you with options for helping yourself or someone you know. Call the EAP 24/7 at 877–313–4455 and select 2.

If you’re providing support, make the call with the person. You can use their phone to call, so they have the number. Will you take 60 seconds to put these numbers in your phone?

Talking about suicide helps, not hurts

Sometimes people worry that talking about suicide will make a person more likely to act on thoughts of suicide. But this is not true. Asking someone about their thoughts or how they’re feeling lets them know it’s OK to talk — they don’t have to hide their struggles. Even if the person becomes defensive or angry, asking about their thoughts and feelings helps them know they’re not alone. And when they’re ready to talk, you can be there for them.

The Washington State EAP thanks Forefront Suicide Prevention for their contributions to this article. Visit the Forefront website for more information, videos, and educational opportunities.

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The Washington State Employee Assistance Program (EAP) is a free, confidential program created to promote the health, safety and well-being of public service employees and their household adult family members. EAP provides counseling and other resources to support well-being, address workplace concerns, and help with legal and financial issues. Reach out to EAP online or call 877–313–4455. To find out if the Washington State EAP serves your agency or organization, contact your supervisor or human resources department.

Links to external websites are provided as a convenience. The Employee Assistance Program and the Department of Enterprise Services do not endorse the content, services, or viewpoints found at these external sites. Information is for general informational purposes only and is not intended to replace the counsel or advice of a qualified health or legal professional. For further help, questions, or referral to community resources for specific problems or personal concerns, contact the EAP or other qualified professional.